New Year’s Expectations Versus Reality

How your big New Year’s Eve plans probably went:


Expectation: “Party til the sun comes up!”

Reality: Everyone’s asleep by 1 a.m. If you’re lucky. Be honest. You probably didn’t make it to midnight, you old fart.


Expectation: “I’m gonna kiss some stranger at midnight and it’s gonna be romantic as hell.”

Reality: You awkwardly cheered at midnight, glanced around furtively, and just kissed the mouth of a champagne bottle instead. Start the year by drinking away your lonely single sadness.


Expectation: “I finally have someone to kiss at midnight! YES! It’s gonna be romantic as hell.”

Reality: Eh. Whatever. You hyped it too much.


Expectation: “I can’t wait to hit up all these fun New Year’s Eve parties full of interesting people!”

Reality: You go to your friends completely dead party where you’re all glued to the chips and dip and you talk about how tired you already are.


Expectation: “I’m gonna look so good for New Year’s Eve! Glitter and fancy clothes! Gonna start the New Year lookin’ fresh to death!”

Reality: You realize it’s almost January and 20 degrees outside and so you settle for a sweater. Not that anyone will see it under all the layers of warmth you piled on top after you gave up.


How your New Year’s resolutions are probably going right now:


Expectation: “I’m gonna eat healthy!”

Reality: You rang in the New Year with a bacon cheeseburger and a side of sodium. Maybe you ate a salad this week. …Maybe it had a lot of cheese on it.


Expectation: “I’m gonna start working out! For real this time.”

Reality: You woke up in the New Year. It was cold. You were sleepy. You legitimately had stuff to do. You took the stairs yesterday, so that’s probably good enough.


Expectation: “I’m gonna read a book a month!”

Reality: How’s that going? Pick anything out yet? Working on a classic? Come on. You didn’t even read the iTunes agreement when it popped up on your phone. You just clicked ‘Agree.’


Expectation: “I’m gonna put myself out there more! Gonna make some new friends… maybe even meet someone SPECIAL!”

Reality: You’ve already weaseled your way out of three social invitations from people you actually like in favor of watching Netflix in bed. You already made a joke about writing down the wrong year to the person in line next to you at the grocery store… does that count?


Expectation: “I’m gonna drink/smoke less/cut back on caffeine!”

Reality: There are worse vices out there, right? Maybe you had just one glass of wine with dinner instead of half the bottle. Baby steps. Maybe you bought a pack of Nicotine gum and looked at it hard. Tomorrow sounds good.


Expectation: “I’m gonna try new things in 2016! I’m gonna take classes in cool things and learn new stuff, eat adventurous cuisine, explore new places, and then some! Look out world!”

Reality: You bought a different brand of toothpaste today. You hate it.